Anger management

Learn to identify and manage problematic anger

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The problem of anger

Anger is one of those very basic human emotions that we all feel at times. It isn’t necessarily a problem on its own; however, when anger is expressed in unhelpful ways, then it can become a problem. This is especially true when it comes to maintaining respectful, caring relationships. That’s where anger management skills come in.

Anger management skills are easy to learn. The hardest part is practising them consistently. This article consists of several sections that will take you through the necessary steps to get there. These sections cover:

Learning a bit about anger itself.
Building awareness of your own experience of anger, and monitoring it over time.
Applying skills and strategies for managing and de-escalating anger.
Expressing your feelings and needs in more effective (and less harmful) ways.

Some definitions

In the most general sense, anger is a feeling or emotion that can range from mild irritation to intense fury and rage. Like many emotions, feelings and sensations, it exists on a spectrum. We can use a wide range of words to describe the spectrum as a whole.

What the anger spectrum might look like in words

Sensitive/On edge	Displeased	Irritable/Moody	Impatient	Exasperated
Piqued/Miffed	Peevish	Vexed	Agitated	Indignant
Frustrated	Annoyed	Aggravated	Contemptuous	Resentful/Bitter
Outraged	Angry/Mad	Wrathful	Enraged	Furious

Anger is a natural response to those situations where we believe that another person has unnecessarily wronged us, we feel threatened, or we believe harm will come to us. We may feel similarly angry when we feel another person, such as a child or someone close to us, is being threatened or harmed.

Anger can also result from the frustration of not having our expectations met. (The word “frustration” itself actually refers to the feeling that results when something gets in the way of us fulfilling our needs, desires, and goals.)

When we become angry, we may lose our patience and act impulsively, aggressively, or violently. People often confuse aggression with anger.

Aggression is behaviour that is intended to cause fear or harm to another person. This behaviour can include verbal abuse, threats, or violent acts; including damaging property.

Anger, on the other hand, is an emotion, and does not necessarily lead to aggression. Therefore, a person can become angry without acting aggressively.

A term related to anger and aggression is hostility.

Hostility refers to a complex set of perspectives and judgments that motivate aggressive behaviour. Whereas anger is an emotion and aggression is behaviour, hostility is an attitude. It involves disliking others, evaluating them negatively, and often making it known via aggressive (or passive-aggressive) behaviour.

In this article, you will learn helpful strategies and techniques for anger management. This involves learning to cope with frustration and express anger in alternative ways. We’ll also look at changing hostile attitudes, and preventing aggressive acts such as verbal abuse and violence.

When is anger a problem?

As mentioned above, anger is a natural reaction that serves a purpose, just like any other emotion. The function of anger is to help us ensure our needs are met, that things are fair and balanced, and to protect ourselves and those we care about. However, when we feel anger too intensely, too frequently, or express it inappropriately, it can become a problem.

Feeling anger too intensely or too often can put a physical strain on our bodies. During an episode of anger, certain parts of the nervous system become highly activated. The body releases stress hormones, such as adrenaline, noradrenaline and cortisol. This can cause our blood pressure, heart rate, and muscle tension to increase, and stay elevated for a long time afterwards. Over time, this kind of stress can lead to many health problems, such as hypertension, heart disease, and a less effective immune system. Thus unmanaged anger can be problematic for our physical health.

Expressing anger inappropriately can also have negative social consequences. In extreme cases, it can lead to aggression or violence, resulting in unwanted outcomes. These include being being charged or jailed, being injured yourself, damaging or losing relationships, being terminated from a job, or feeling guilt, shame, regret, or anxiety.

Even when anger doesn’t lead to violence, expressing it in unhealthy ways (like using irritable language or contemptuous behavior) can have its own poor outcomes. It can lead to resentment, lack of trust, or fear from others. This can cause alienation from partners, children, other family members, friends, and colleagues.

Even if you do express anger in healthy and appropriate ways, learning more about it and becoming more emotionally aware is always useful.

The costs and benefits of anger

Unhelpful expression of anger can seem to pay off at first. One apparent benefit is making yourself heard – communicating so aggressively that the other person has no choice but to listen. Another might be the ability to “win” or get your way through intimidating behaviour. Others may give in because they fear your anger might escalate to the point they’re harmed. Another apparent benefit might be the cathartic release you feel when you lose your temper. However, while you may feel better after giving in to anger, everyone else probably feels worse.

And that’s the thing. These apparent benefits almost always result in longer-term costs. That’s why we call them “apparent” benefits, because the long-term costs and consequences tend to outweigh the short-term gains.

For example: Imagine a parent who uses an angry tone of voice and threatening body language to get their child to do what they want. This implies to the child that they will be physically hurt if they don’t obey. The apparent benefit for the parent is that the child is obedient. But in the long term the child may learn to fear their parent, and become resentful and disconnected from them. As the child grows up they may avoid spending time with them, or even end up cutting off contact.

The habit of anger

The expression of anger is learned, usually from our role models as we grew up. Once a behaviour is learned it easily becomes second nature. When anger is expressed in aggressive ways, the apparent benefits make it seem worthwhile. It might then happen more and more, until it becomes an unhealthy habit… and eventually the costs become clear.

A habit, by definition, is a behaviour that is performed over and over again without thinking about it. People with anger management problems often use the aggressive expression of anger to solve their problems, without thinking about the lasting effects it has on the people around them, or the long-term costs to themselves.

So what we need to do is break the habit of anger.

Becoming aware of anger

To break the habit of anger, you first need to develop anger awareness. This includes knowing what events, situations, and actions of others are your triggers for anger. It also means knowing what your personal experience of anger is, so you can notice the warning signs that you are becoming angry as it happens (and not just in reflection afterwards). Finally it involves understanding the negative consequences that result from anger.

For example: Imagine you have finished your shopping and are queueing at the checkout. After several minutes of waiting in the long line, you become impatient. As time ticks by and the line doesn’t move, you become more frustrated and ask that the checkout clerk call for help. The clerk doesn’t respond; you’re sure they’re ignoring you. As your anger escalates, you become involved in an increasingly heated exchange with the “clearly disrespectful” clerk. The store manager is called, and responds by having a security officer escort you from the shop.

The triggers that lead to anger here were: Having to wait in line, perceived disrespect from the clerk.

Signs anger was happening were: Impatience, frustration, making negative assumptions about others, complaining, arguing, raised voice, aggressive behaviour.

Negative consequences that resulted: Not getting the groceries, the humiliation of being removed from the store, and a lingering resentment at “obviously unfair” treatment.

Events that trigger anger

When you get angry, usually an event has provoked your anger. For example, you may get angry when someone cuts you off in traffic, when you’ve spent a while ‘on hold’ on the phone, or when a neighbour plays their music too loud. Everyday events such as these can lead to anger, whether it’s high or low on the spectrum.

Many times, specific events touch on sensitive areas in your life. These sensitive areas usually relate to long-standing issues that can easily lead to anger. For example, some of us may have been slow readers as children and may be sensitive about our reading ability. Although we may read well now as adults, we might continue to be sensitive about this issue. This sensitivity can be revealed when someone rushes us while we are completing an application or reading an extremely long handout. This could lead to anger because we may feel that we are being criticised or judged as we were when we were children. This sensitivity may also show itself in a more direct way, such as when someone calls us “slow” or “stupid.”

In addition to events experienced in the here-and-now, you may also recall an event from your past that made you angry. You might remember, for example, how you were passed over for a promotion in favour of a colleague who was more junior than you. Just thinking about this past injustice can make you angry in the present. Another example may be unexpectedly seeing a person who once betrayed or hurt you in some way. Seeing them again can trigger memories of those past events, which can then raise your number on the anger meter.

Here are examples of events or issues that have the potential to result in anger:

Long waits to see your doctor
Traffic congestion
A friend joking about a sensitive topic
Someone not paying back money they owe you
Being wrongly accused
Having to clean up someone else’s mess
A waiter getting your order wrong… twice
A commitment or promise to you being broken
Having your property damaged or stolen

Are there any specific events, situations, or behaviours that you know are your sore points, and often trigger anger for you?

Cues for anger

A second important aspect of anger monitoring is to identify your cues for anger; in other words, the symptoms and sensations that tell you you’re angry. These cues can serve as warning signs that you are becoming angry or that your anger escalating. Once you notice your early warning signs, you can put strategies in place before anger escalates.

Cues can be broken down into four categories: Physical, emotional, cognitive (thought), and behavioural cues.

Physical cues

Physical cues are often the first sign of anger that we notice. They’re responses from the body – the physical symptoms or sensations of anger. For example, our heart rate may increase, we may feel tightness in our chest, or we may feel hot and flushed. As anger escalates, you’ll notice that the intensity or number of physical cues increases.

What physical cues have you noticed when you have become angry in the past?

What do you think might be the very first one to show up for you?

What is the difference between your physical cues for “annoyed,” “angry,” and “furious?”

Emotional cues

Emotional cues are other feelings that may occur at the same time as anger. For example, we may become angry when we feel hurt, invalidated, or afraid of losing someone. These kinds of feelings are the core or primary feelings that underlie our anger. It is easy to avoid noticing these primary feelings because they often make us feel vulnerable, whereas anger can make us feel powerful. An important component of anger management is to become aware of, and to recognise, the primary feelings underneath the anger.

Can you identify an underlying feeling that might have been a factor in a recent episode of anger?

Is there any painful or more difficult emotion that the anger might have been protecting you from?

Cognitive cues

Cognitive cues are the thoughts that we have about the trigger or event. When people become angry, it’s often because they have interpreted an event in a certain way. For example, we may interpret a friend’s comments as criticism. We may assume the actions of others are intended to be disrespectful. We may judge others as being lazy or not caring enough. Some people call these thoughts “self-talk” because they resemble a conversation we are having with ourselves. For people with anger issues, this self-talk is usually very critical and hostile in tone and content. It can reflect beliefs about the way we think the world, other people, and ourselves should be.

Closely related to thoughts and self-talk are fantasies and images. We view fantasies and images as other types of cognitive cues that can indicate an escalation of anger. For example, we might fantasise about seeking revenge on a perceived enemy, or imagine our spouse having an affair and responding violently. When we buy into these fantasies and images and focus our attention on them, anger escalates more and more rapidly.

What’s different about your thoughts, judgments and evaluations when you’re angry, compared to when you’ve calmed down?

Can you think of a time an incorrect belief or assumption resulted in anger for you?

Behavioural cues

Behavioural cues involve the actions and behaviours we demonstrate when we get angry, which can be observed by other people around us. For example, we may clench our fists, pace back and forth, slam a door, or raise our voice. Verbal cues can also come under behavioural: Using offensive or abusive language, name calling, insulting, and making accusations.

These verbal and behavioural actions are the final cue of anger; the outcome of unchecked emotional and cognitive responses.

What are some of the behaviours that you have noticed in yourself when angry?

How do those around you know that you’re angry? What do they see?

Cues to anger: Some examples

Physical	Increased heart rate or blood pressure, restlessness or inability to sit still, increased breath rate, loss of appetite, muscle tension, clenched jaw or grinding teeth, churning stomach, dry mouth, shaking, rigidity, feeling hot or flushed, roaring in your ears or “tunnel vision.”
Emotional	Fear, hurt, jealousy, guilt, disappointment, vulnerability, helplessness, embarrassment, loss, shame, hopelessness. (Some evaluations can seem like emotions: Ignored, betrayed, invalidated, disrespected, neglected. These are actually judgments – cognitions – not feelings.)
Cognitive	Jumping to conclusions, exaggerating events, assuming malicious intent, discounting the positives, judgmental or hostile evaluations, ignoring conflicting evidence, aggressive or violent fantasies, imagining revenge, recalling past hurts, catastrophizing the effects of the event, focusing on how you’re the victim, your goal is to “win” rather than to fairly resolve the problem.
Behavioural	Frowning or scowling, pacing, clenching fists, grinding teeth, raised voice, glaring or narrowing your eyes, using unnecessary force (slamming, stomping, etc), verbal aggression, making threats or ultimatums, physical aggression against objects, physically harming the other person.

Scaling anger

Once you know what cues to look for to tell you’re feeling angry, a very helpful technique for increasing your awareness of anger is learning to track its progress in yourself. A simple way to monitor the progression of anger is to use the anger scale. A score of 1 on the anger scale represents a complete lack of anger or a total state of calm, whereas a 10 represents a very angry and explosive loss of control that leads to negative consequences. Points between 1 and 10 represent feelings of anger between these extremes.

The purpose of the anger scale is to monitor the escalation of anger as it increases in intensity (or moves up the scale). For example, when a person encounters an anger-provoking event, he or she does not reach a 10 immediately (although it may sometimes feel that way). In reality, a person’s anger starts at a low number and moves up the scale over time, either gradually or rapidly. There is always time, provided one has learned how to monitor their anger and apply effective coping skills, to stop anger from escalating to a 10.

One difficulty people have when learning to use the anger scale is misunderstanding the meaning of a 10. A score of 10 is reserved for instances when an individual suffers (or could suffer) negative consequences. An example is when an individual shouts at another person and drives them away, or damages property.

A second point to make about the anger scale is that people may interpret the numbers on the scale differently. What is a 5 for one person may be a 7 for someone else. These differences are okay. It is much more important to personalise the anger meter and become comfortable and familiar with what the numbers on the scale mean to you. In general, however, a 10 is reserved for instances when someone loses control and suffers (or could suffer) negative consequences.

For example: Imagine one day you “wake up on the wrong side of the bed.” You had poor sleep and when your alarm went off you were feeling grumpy already. After turning off your alarm, you check in on your anger cues and score yourself at a 2 on the anger meter. As you get out of bed, you stub your toes and swear. You then recognise you’ve gone up to a 4. When you head to the bathroom and turn on the shower, you find your family has left you no hot water. You notice that you’re experiencing the urge to storm downstairs and demand to know why they were so inconsiderate, and put yourself at a 7 on the scale.

Anger control planning

Up to this point, if you have read the first parts of this article on anger management, you have been finding out how to monitor your anger. We have covered how to identify the events that trigger anger, as well as the physical, emotional, cognitive, and behavioural cues associated with each event. We then went over how to use the anger meter to rate your anger. Now, we will begin to look at how to develop an anger control plan and how you can use specific techniques, such as time-outs and relaxation exercises, to develop a strategy to manage your anger. In follow-up articles we will cover other techniques, such as learning to change negative or hostile self-talk and using the Conflict Resolution Model. These more advanced skills can be used along with time-outs and relaxation.

Strategies for managing anger

In addition to becoming aware of anger, we need to learn strategies to effectively manage it. Anger management strategies can be used to stop the escalation of anger before you “lose control” and experience negative consequences. An effective strategy for managing anger should include both immediate and also preventive techniques.

Immediate strategies include taking a time out, deep-breathing exercises, and challenging irrational cognitions (thoughts, assumptions and beliefs). Preventative strategies include developing an exercise program, practising good “sleep hygiene” to ensure enough rest, reducing overall stress, and working to change your long term habits. These strategies will be discussed in more detail.

One factor in developing an anger control plan is to try many different techniques so you can find the strategies that work best for you. Once you identify these techniques, you can add them to your anger control plan and use them when you start feeling frustrated or annoyed. Some people refer to their anger control plan as their toolbox, and the specific techniques and strategies they use to manage their anger as their tools. I like this analogy, because the more tools a toolbox contains, the more complex and effective work you are capable of.

However it is important to identify the specific anger management techniques that work best for you. Not all tools work for all people, or all the time; so experiment with many to find those that are effective in different situations. These strategies can then be put into a formal anger control plan, which you can refer to when you encounter an anger trigger.

What's a strategy?

A strategy is a series of purposeful techniques (behaviours, actions or exercises), that you choose to engage in to actively reach a goal or solve a problem. The term strategy has military roots: It derives from the Greek strategos, an elected military leader in ancient Athens. Because strategy is about the relationship between means and ends, the term has applications well beyond war; but I must admit I think the connection between anger and war seems relevant at times!

An anger management strategy is made up of skills and techniques that you’ve found to be effective for your various circumstances. One effective technique that many people find helpful, for example, is to talk about your experience, and the feelings involved, with a supportive friend who was not involved with the anger provoking event. If this person was not involved, they’re more likely to be unbiased – meaning they have less particular investment in the outcome, besides your wellbeing. By discussing what happened, and why it made you angry, you can begin to identify the underlying emotions. You can determine whether your cognitive cues (thoughts, beliefs and expectations) in response to the trigger were rational. You can then get feedback on whether the behaviours were reasonable. Often a friend or family member whom you trust can provide a different perspective on what was going on; but even if all they do is listen, just expressing your feelings can give you a different perspective and make you feel better.

We’ll go through some examples of anger management techniques now. Once you have identified which techniques might be most effective for you, it’s a good idea to practise and refine them by applying them in different real-life situations.

Time out

The first immediate anger management technique worth exploring is the “time out.” It is a basic skill that tends to be recommended for anyone’s management of anger, regardless of age (i.e. it’s not just a parenting technique)! Time out can be used informally or formally.

Informally, a time out is as simple as leaving a situation that you’ve identified is contributing to your anger.

For example: You’re travelling home after a day at work, and step onto a crowded train. You’re tired and your feet hurt, so you are immediately frustrated when you see that there are no free seats left in any carriage. You sigh, and resign yourself to standing in the aisle. As the journey progresses it seems as though people are needlessly bumping into you as they pass through the aisle, and you start to feel more and more annoyed.

In this situation, an informal use of “time out” might mean getting off at the next station and waiting for a less crowded train.

Formally, a time out involves relationships with other people

It means making an agreement or a prearranged plan with someone; a partner, friend, your co-workers or family members. Any party to the agreement may call a time out in accordance with rules that have been agreed on by everyone in advance. The main idea is that the person calling the time out can leave the situation if necessary by saying something like, “I need to take a walk before talking any further,” or simply making the “time out” sign with their hands and leaving the room.

The aim of taking a time out is to get some space in order to calm and centre yourself, to bring your anger score down to a level at which you can rationally and helpfully continue the discussion. When you take a time out, it should be agreed or understood that, once you’re feeling calmer, you will return to check in. At that point you can either continue the discussion, or identify that you need a bit more time to process things, and you would like to postpone it until another day. Set a time, so that everyone knows that things will be resolved, and not just avoided indefinitely.

It is important to only use the time out strategy in a genuine manner. Agree to only call a time out when it’s necessary to give yourself the space you need to calm down, and always with the aim of resolving things in a more helpful way. If you use time outs to avoid conversations, or as a weapon to upset or punish the other person, then they will struggle to accept and respect future requests for time out.

Time outs are important because of how effective they can be in the heat of the moment. Even if your anger is escalating quickly on the anger meter, you can almost always prevent reaching 10 by taking time out and leaving the situation for a bit.

Time outs are also effective when they are used with other strategies. For example, you can take a time out and go for a walk, or focus on your breathing. You can also take a time out and call a trusted friend or family member or write in a journal. These other strategies should help you calm down during the time out period.

How do you think a time out would work for you?

How would the important people in your life respond to the idea of taking time out?

What would be most helpful to do during your time out?

Relaxation through breathing

We have discussed the physical cues to anger, such as an increased heartbeat, feeling hot or flushed, or muscle tension. These types of physical cues are examples of what is commonly called the stress response. In the stress response, the nervous system is heightened, and in this agitated state, a person is likely to have trouble returning to lower levels on the anger scale. In this state, additional anger-provoking situations and events are likely to cause a further escalation of anger.

An interesting aspect of the nervous system is that everyone has a relaxation response that counteracts the stress response. It is physically impossible to be both agitated and relaxed at the same time. If you can relax successfully, you can counteract the stress or anger response.

The following section is a deep-breathing exercise you can practise as a relaxation technique. Later on we will look at other relaxation techniques that counteract the stress response in similar ways.

Example breathing exercise

Find a quiet place and time to practise this for reals.

Get comfortable in your chair, or lying down. If you like, wait till after you’ve read this through this to get the gist, then close your eyes to give it a try, or just gaze at the floor or ceiling.

Take a few moments to settle yourself. Then make yourself aware of your body. Check your body for tension, beginning with your feet, and scan upward through your body to your head. Notice any tension you might have in your legs, your stomach, your hands and arms, your shoulders, your neck, and your face. Try to let go of the tension you are feeling.

Now, make yourself aware of your breathing. Pay attention to your breath as it enters and leaves your body. This can be very relaxing in itself.

Take a deep breath. Notice your chest and abdomen as they expand. Then slowly exhale through your nose or mouth.

Be aware of what it feels like to breathe — attend to all the various sensations involved. Notice the whole process. Again, take a deep breath. Breathe deep into your abdomen — place your hand on your belly and feel it rise with the breath. Hold it a moment, and slowly breathe it out. As you take in the next breath, consciously push it down from your chest to your abdomen. Feel your lower belly rise against your hand, and then your chest as it expands. Hold it for a second, then release it and exhale slowly. Push the air out, and feel your belly go back down. One more time, inhale slowly and fully. Hold it for a second, and release.

Continue breathing in this way for another couple of minutes. Continue to focus your attention on your breathing. If you notice your mind wandering (and it will), just bring your attention back to your breath. With each inhalation and exhalation, feel your body becoming more and more relaxed. Use your breathing to wash away any remaining tension.

Practice breathing for 1 to 2 minutes in silence.

Now let’s take another deep breath. Inhale fully, hold it for a second, and release. Inhale again, hold, and release. Continue to be aware of your breath as it fills your lungs. Once more, inhale fully, hold it for a second, and release.

When you are done, open your eyes, or looked around and come back to your wider experience.

How was that? Did you notice any new sensations while you were breathing? How do you feel now?

This breathing exercise can be shortened to just three deep inhalations and exhalations. Even that much can be effective in helping you relax when your anger is escalating. This can be done anywhere. You can practice deep breathing at home, at work, while waiting for someone to pick up the phone, while doing the dishes, or while driving or walking. The key to making deep breathing an effective relaxation technique is to practice it frequently and to apply it when you need it.

Progressive muscle relaxation

We’ve practised deep breathing as a relaxation technique. Now we will introduce progressive muscle relaxation. When angry, or anxious, our brains release neurotransmitters that are designed to get us ready to fight, or to flee. These hormones result in rapid breath, increased heart rate, and increased muscle tension. We can consciously control our muscle tension, just as we can control our breath. Be aware of any muscle or nerve pain you may be sensitive to as you progress through this exercise – don’t strain anything you already experience sensitivity to.

Start this exercise, again, by getting comfortable in your chair or bed. Close your eyes if you like. Take a moment to really settle in. Now, as you did last time, begin to focus on your breathing. Take a deep breath. Hold it for a second, and exhale fully and completely. Take another deep breath and fill your lungs and chest, before releasing and exhaling slowly.

Now, while you continue to breathe, bring your awareness to your feet and lower legs. Become aware of how they’re positioned, how they feel against the surface they’re resting upon, and any sensations you can notice there. Next, slowly start to bring them into tension. Gradually tense the muscles of your toes, feet and calves, until you’re holding them clenched tight. Hold them tense a moment before slowly relaxing all the taut muscles. Let them release and go loose and floppy. Notice the difference for a moment, before starting again. Tense all your foot and calf muscles. Hold them tight, then slowly release, breathing out as you do so.

Take a breath, then scan your attention upwards, and repeat the process with your thighs and buttocks.

Take another deep breath, in and out, before becoming aware of your hands. Slowly tense the muscles, until they’re clenched into tight fists. Hold that tension, and notice how it feels. If you can feel your fingernails making contact, just notice what that’s like, as you hold the tension a moment. Now relax your fists, letting your fingers unfold and letting your hands completely relax. Stretch your fingers out, if you feel like it. Again, clench your fists tightly. Hold and release the tension. Imagine all the tension being released from your hands down to your fingertips. Notice the difference between the tension and complete relaxation.

Breathe deeply, then repeat the process with your stomach, abdomen, lower back and chest.

Now bring your awareness to your arms. Curl your arms as if you are doing a bicep curl. Tense your fists, forearms, and biceps. Hold the tension and release it. Let the tension in your arms unfold and your hands float back to their resting position. Feel the tension drain out of your arms. Again, tighten your arms to tense all the muscles. Notice the tension, then hold, and release. Let the tension flow out of your arms. Consciously replace the muscle tension with relaxation.

Now raise your shoulders toward your ears. Really tense your shoulders and upper back. Hold them up for a second. Then gently drop your shoulders, and release all the tension. Maybe even consciously flex the muscles in the opposite direction before you let them go floppy. Now, again, lift your shoulders, hold the tension, and release. Let the tension flow from your shoulders all the way down your arms to your fingers. Notice how different your muscles feel when they are relaxed. Let them stay loose.

Now bring your awareness to your neck and face. Tense all those muscles by straining your neck, and making a tight face. Tense your neck, jaw, and forehead. Pull in your chin; clench your teeth; frown and grimace! Hold the tension, and then release it. Let the muscles of your neck and jaw and face… relax. Open your mouth to exhale, and relax all the lines around your eyebrows and in your forehead. Take another breath and one final time, tense all the muscles in your neck and face, hold, and release. Be aware of your muscles relaxing at the top of your head and around your eyes. Let your eyes relax in their sockets, almost as if they were sinking into the back of your head. Relax your jaw and your throat. Relax all the muscles around your ears. Feel all the tension in your neck muscles release.

Now just sit for a few moments. Breathe. Scan your body for any tension and release it. Notice how your body feels when your muscles are completely relaxed.

When you are ready, open your eyes. How did that go? Did you notice any new sensations? How does your body feel now? How about your state of mind? Do you notice any difference now from when you started?

What other anger management techniques are you aware of that might work for you?

What has worked in the past for calming down when you’ve been angry?

Add these to your tool box.

The aggression cycle

So far in the article we’ve reviewed awareness of anger and the anger control plan. Now the framework for integrating these anger management concepts is presented. This framework is the aggression cycle.

From an anger management perspective, an episode of anger can be viewed as consisting of three phases:

Together, they make up the aggression cycle.

Escalation

In this part of the process, your cues will indicate that anger is building. As stated earlier, these cues can be physical, emotional, cognitive or behavioural. Cues are warning signs; they’re signals that you’re feeling angry in response to a trigger. These triggers are situations that can occur every day, and may lead to the escalation of anger if effective anger management strategies are not used early on.

Sensitive area triggers are types of situations that are unique to you, and that you are especially sensitive to, perhaps because of past events. These can involve internal processes (e.g. thinking about situations that were anger provoking in the past) or external processes (e.g. experiencing real-life, anger-provoking situations in the here and now).

Explosion

If the escalation phase is allowed to continue unchecked, the explosion phase will follow. The explosion phase is marked by an uncontrolled display of anger, verbal or physical aggression. This display of anger then often leads to negative consequences. This is synonymous with the number 10 on the “anger meter.”

The anger meter is below. It is a scale, or thermometer, ranging from 1 – 10, where 1 is calm and 10 is explosive anger.

The idea is to recognise when you are reaching anger levels of 4 or 5 – the “escalation” phase – and immediately put strategies in place that prevent your score getting any higher.

Post-explosion

The final stage of the aggression cycle is the post-explosion phase. It consists of the negative consequences of the verbal or physical aggression displayed during the explosion phase.

These consequences may include going to jail, the end (or the threat of an end) to your relationship, being terminated from a job, losing family relationships, being rejected by a friend group, restricted access to your children, or feelings of guilt, shame, and regret.

What it may look like

The intensity, frequency, and duration of anger in the aggression cycle can vary among individuals. For example, one person’s anger may escalate rapidly after a provocative event and, within just a few minutes, reach the explosion phase. Another person’s anger may escalate slowly but steadily over several hours before reaching the explosion phase. Similarly, one person may experience more episodes of anger and progress through the aggression cycle more often than the other. However, both individuals, despite differences in how quickly their anger escalates and how frequently they experience anger, will undergo all three phases of the aggression cycle.

The intensity of these individuals’ anger also may differ. One person may engage in more violent behaviour in the explosion phase than others. For example, he or she may damage property or assault someone. Another person may express his or her anger during the explosion phase by being snappy and alienating their family. Regardless of these individual differences, the explosion phase is synonymous with “uncontrolled” anger, and behaving in verbally, emotionally or physically aggressive ways.

Notice that the escalation and explosion phases of the aggression cycle correspond to the levels on the anger meter. The points below 10 on the anger meter represent the escalation phase – the ‘building up’ of anger.

The explosion phase, on the other hand, corresponds to 10 on the anger meter. 10 on the anger meter is the point at which one “loses control” and expresses anger through verbal or physical aggression that leads to negative consequences.

One of the primary objectives of anger management treatment is to keep from reaching the explosion phase. As briefly mentioned earlier, this is accomplished by using the anger meter to:

If the explosion phase is prevented from occurring, the post-explosion phase will not occur, and the aggression cycle will be broken. If you use your anger control plan effectively, your anger should ideally reach between a 1 and a 9 on the anger meter. This is a reasonable goal to aim for. By preventing the explosion phase (10), you will not experience the negative consequences of the post-explosion phase, and you will break the cycle of aggression.

Communicating assertively

Communicating assertively, calmly and rationally is the key to smooth interactions with others, particularly when there is conflict or anger. Assertive communication can be difficult if you’re feeling angry, but there are things you can do to train yourself to be effective when there’s conflict. Assertive communication skills can be considered another anger management technique to add to your toolbox.

Many interpersonal conflicts occur when it seems as though your rights have been violated. Think back to before you started looking for ways to manage your anger. Whenever you believed that another person showed you disrespect, violated your rights or disregarded your needs, you may have automatically responded with aggressive behaviour. However there are several ways to resolve these kinds of conflict without resorting to aggression. Because there are so often negative consequences that can result from aggressive behaviour, these are important skills to learn.

Aggressive, passive, & assertive communication

As we discussed earlier, aggression is behaviour that is intended to cause or imply the threat of harm to another person. This behaviour can include verbal abuse, non-verbal body language, threats, or violent acts to people or property. Perhaps, when another person has violated your rights, your first reaction is to fight back or retaliate. The basic message of aggression is that my feelings, thoughts, and beliefs are important, and that your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs are unimportant.

One alternative to using aggressive behaviour is to act passively, or in a non-assertive manner. When people think of being passive, they think of “giving in.” Acting in a passive or non-assertive way is also undesirable, because you then allow your rights to be violated. You may thus resent the person who violated your rights, and you may also be angry with yourself for not standing up for your rights. In addition, it is likely that you will become even more angry the next time you encounter this person.

The basic message of passivity is that your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs are important, but my feelings, thoughts, and beliefs are unimportant. Acting in a passive or non-assertive way may help you avoid the negative consequences associated with aggression, but it may also lead to negative personal consequences. Some of these include unmet needs, diminished self-esteem, unspoken resentment, and decreased openness and honesty in relationships.

So what is assertive communication?

From an anger management perspective, the best way to deal with a person who has violated your rights is to act assertively. Communicating assertively involves standing up for your rights and needs in a way that is respectful of other people and their rights and needs. The basic message of assertiveness is that my feelings, thoughts, and beliefs are important, and that your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs are equally important.

By acting and communicating assertively, you can express your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs to the person who violated your rights or needs without suffering the negative consequences associated with aggression. You will also avoid having your own needs and feelings devalued, which happens with passivity or non-assertion.

It is important to emphasize that assertive, aggressive, and passive responses are learned behaviours. They are not innate, unchangeable traits. Using the Conflict Resolution Model, you can learn to develop assertive responses that allow you to manage interpersonal conflicts in a more effective way.

In summary, aggression involves expressing feelings, thoughts, and beliefs in a harmful and disrespectful way. Passivity or non-assertiveness involves failing to express feelings, thoughts, and beliefs or expressing them in an apologetic manner that others can easily disregard. Assertiveness involves standing up for your rights and expressing feelings, thoughts, and beliefs in direct, honest, and appropriate ways that do not violate the rights of others or show disrespect.